There are some things that happen in the Fortnum household that the world needs to know about.  Other things remain between Anne and I. One matter which requires maximum publicity required my full attention today. So I urgently rushed out a press release to the world’s press (by which I mean the Guinness Book of Records, the International World Record Breakers Club and Wetherby Today). The Press Release follows:   

 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 

WETHERBY MAN IN WORLD RECORD ATTEMPT   

Wetherby resident Hilary Fortnum was thwarted today in an attempt to break the world (non-stop) press up record of 10,507 held by Japan’s Minoru Yoshida since October 1980. 

Fortnum, 60, achieved a creditable 29 push ups before collapsing in a sweaty mess. 

An exhausted Fortnum heaved “I know that 10,507 is a high number but I’ve been playing a lot of darts just lately so I thought I’d give it a go. You should see me when I wheel around on the trolleys at Morrisons, I can hold myself up straight on the handle for at least a minute” 

His wife Anne added “I didn’t even know he was attempting the world record today. I got back from my sister’s to find him in a pair of shorts and an Incredible Hulk t-shirt collapsed on the living room floor. I thought he was having a heart attack. He hasn’t done anything this stupid since he flew a hang-glider over Knaresborough Rugby Club” 

Hilary’s not giving up on his efforts to get into the Guinness Book of Records, however. Future attempts will include the 100m sprint, the quickest ever reading of Ulrika Jonsson’s autobiography “Honest” and the world’s tallest man.  All

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