Whilst I was out and about today doing my errands I saw an advertisement which caught my eye. 

"Fancy being my date on a city break to Holland?" screamed out a vacant looking Calum Best from my newspaper. In reality my answer should be "Not really Calum", however, as you know, I love a challenge. 

So I logged on to http://www.holland.com/uk/ and laid down my entry. Not fazed that I don't match up to the competition's sexist (and, frankly, homophobic) requirements (Entrants must be female, 21 or over and a UK resident) I turned my mind to what a lothario like Calum might be looking for in a 59 year old man from Yorkshire.  Calum baby, here I come.  

To www.holland.com/uk/ Calum Best City Break Competition  

Calum, I am 5'8" and 14 stone of screaming sexuality. With dead brown eyes, a handful of "spread" hanging over my waste belt and slowly thinning hair I may be everything that a promiscuous twenty-something son of a footballer is looking for. 

Having looked you up on Wikipedia I see that you are famous for dating a string of "lovelies" and being a professional reality television contestant – no doubt amongst the awkward silences I could ask you what its like to be George Best's son. 

Why do I want to win this prize? Because, as I see it, it's a free trip to Holland.  

Thanks, and in anticipation of my successful application,  Hilary  

Do you know what? I didn’t win. Bastards.