They say that the story of Jesus Christ is the greatest story ever told. I'm not so sure. Mike Samson, who works at Kwik Fit, told me this brilliant story once about a magician who was caught short at the Abbey Theatre in Nuneaton.

Anyway, I saw in Anne's Closer magazine that they are offering £750 "for your real life stories". A very generous offer for their readers to sell out their private lives and reveal themselves and incestuous neanderthals or tragic victims. I reckoned that I could get a piece of that and I wondered if I could outdo the stories of the Son of God and the Amazing and Mystical Mr Enrico Suarez. 

From: Hilary Fortnum

To: Closer Stories

Subject: Wasp the Story? 

Dear Closer Magazine, 

I think I have a story that will hit the spot with your readers. 

It involves one man and a wasps' nest. Well, two men really. And the council. 

I remember it as if it was only last week. Even though it was actually two weeks ago. I received a text message from my good friend Terry Corbett, who is a butcher (that's not strictly relevant). The message read "Hils. Come quickly. Wasps nest in garden. Going to burn it before wife gets home." 

You can imagine my anticipation. I had destroyed an ants' nest before when I was a keen 8 year old but never before had I experienced the danger of the wasps' lair (I refer to BBC South Yorkshire News, August 2003 - "Man dies from wasp stings").  

I was there like a shot. I say that, but its not exactly right. I had to get the right gear on. I've got an old Dire Straits t-shirt which says "Money for Nothing" on it. I thought that would do the trick with a pair of army fatigue pantaloons. I topped the look off with an old British Rail cap which was red and said "I'm train trained" on it and a pair of sunglasses which I once got free at McDonalds. I looked like the sort of lunatic that you might expect to go on a gun rampage in a US school. Wasps - beware. 

Once I had changed and done my jobs (the cat wasn't going to feed itself - it can, but it wasn't going to) I went straight round to Terry's (after filling the Vectra up with petrol at Morrisons). That's when the action really got going ... 

Basically, we threw a few tennis balls at the nest and then Terry's wife came home and she phoned the council. We ended up at the Black Bull Inn. Terry got into an argument with Mike Stanley about whether or not John Prescott colours his hair. 

I look forward to hearing from you regarding publication of my real life story. 

Kind regards, 

Hilary Fortnum  

It was with incredible shock and despair that I found out the next day that Closer were not interested in my story about a wasps nest.  

From: Closer Stories

To: Hilary Fortnum 

Dear Hilary,

I reasoned that it was time to call in the professionals. Someone to champion my story, someone to make a newspaper print it. 

Max Clifford.  

From: Hilary Fortnum

To: Max Clifford Associates

Subject: Wetherby Council Ate My Wasps’ Nest 

Dear PR guru Max Clifford, 

There is only one name in celebrity tittle-tattle PR. At least there's only one that plebs like me have ever heard of. More of your good work no doubt. 

As you know, everyone has a shocking tale to tell. Like "Crazy" Dave who hangs around the Black Bull Inn, who has two thumbs on one hand and Ivan Panawski, who works in the Kwik Save, he's not really Polish and his Dad is really his brother (I think they're both inbred to be honest). 

Anyway, I wondered if you would take up the reins on my incredible story. I tried to get Closer magazine interested but, as you'll see, they weren't.  What ever happened to British journalists taking risks? Frankly, I was appalled by Closer's intransigence. I know that wasps are a controversial subject but, seriously, this nest was massive! 

As to placement, I was thinking – any grubby old Sunday tabloid for the breaking piece, headed – "Council thwart wasp fire fun" or "PC brigade piss on Wasp fire (not literally)". Perhaps the Mail to do a follow up with something vaguely racist or just plain angry? 

As to TV. I don't mind doing Richard and Judy but I'm not doing a hilarious sketch with that Charlotte Church because my wife Anne thinks that "she looks like she smells". Ideally I'd like to appear on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, Tonight with Trevor McDonald and a cameo in the epic BT advert series as the one off of My Family's Dad. 

I do not want to do the Friday Night Project with Justin Lee Collins.As to fees, shall we say that you take 20% of everything that you tell me we've earned? 

I look forward to hearing your exciting plans. 

Yours truly, Hilary Fortnum 

PS – I also have some proposals for the peerless "When will I be famous?". My good friend Mike Stanley has a parakeet that talks. The things he comes out with, honestly! I'm laughing just thinking about it.  

Alas, Max Clifford wouldn't know an exciting, wasp-related, news story if it turned up on his doorstep doing a waggle-dance (strictly, that's bees) clasping nudey photos of Moira Stewart in its mandibles (that's its jaws kids).  

From: Max Clifford Associates

To: Hilary Fortnum  

Thank you so much for your email.

However we will not be able to assist you regarding this story.

Best Wishes

Max Clifford Associates