Dear Heat Magazine,
The best thing about your magazine is when you publish pictures of people that have been in the public eye ("Celebrities") when they look rubbish or ugly.
In that case - what about this "minger"?
This is Joseph Merrick, aka John Merrick, aka the Elephant Man, who became famous across Victorian London in the (reality TV-style) medical sideshow hosted by Dr Frederick Treves. Merrick's failure to wear his trademark flat cap and bag over his head in this snap – thus revealing that he was suffering from the most chronic and upsetting recorded case of Proteus syndrome in British medical history - shows us all that even Celebrities can have off days.
Yours gleefully,
Hilary
From: Hilary FortnumTo: Heat Magazine Subject: Lookey-likey
Here's one for your Celebrity look-a-like page. I think this tramp looks a bit like Santa. Cheers, Hilary
From: Hilary Fortnum
To: Heat Magazine (
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)
Subject: Telling You Gossip
There's a bloke I know called Pete "Two Socks" who, I know for a fact, hasn't left Yorkshire in 24 years, and he reckons that he has met an American woman and that he is marrying her in the United States next year. In somewhere very exotic sounding – Wasatch Plateau , Utah . I reckon he met her on the Internet but don't quote me on it. Anyway, the first time I asked him about it she was 22 years old. Now he says that she's 30 (and he's only known her for 3 months). What's the betting that she's actually 72? And in prison.
From: Hilary Fortnum
To: Heat Magazine (Spotted)
Subject: Spotted!
Tommy Cannon at Hartshead Moor Services off the M62 tucking into a BLT and a packet of Walker 's Salt & Vinegar crisps. He also bought a packet of wine gums, the Daily Express and a bottle of Castrol GTX, presumably for his car. When he walked through the automatic exit doors he scratched his backside but did not sniff his fingers. I followed him up the M62 until junction 25 where he turned off. Presumably he was going to Dewsbury or Wakefield.
Bobby Ball was not with him.
From: Hilary Fortnum
To: Heat Magazine (Snapped)
Subject: Snapped!
This lucky schoolboy met up with children's entertainer Ian Krankie. Fan-Dabi-Dozi!
The happy fan said "It was a thrill to meet Ian, he was a real gentleman and even signed my Maths exercise book. He wrote 'Best Wishes, Ian Krankie', which I thought was really sweet of him". He or she added "I am not his middle-aged wife Jeanette dressed up as a schoolboy".
From: Hilary Fortnum
To: Heat Magazine
Subject: Star Jumps Keep You Fit!
Dear Heat,
Idea for a new article – "Get a Great Bikini Body by just doing star jumps". Perhaps we could get former Superstars hero Brian Jacks to run through the exercise.
I reckon he'd be up for it.
From: Hilary Fortnum
To: Heat Magazine
Subject: The stars and their funeral riders
Dear Celebrity magazine Heat,
How about an article entitled "Celebrity funeral demands EXPOSED".
Heat asks a whole host of Celebs what kind of funeral they would want.
I'm thinking … Posh's outrageous demands included £10 million worth of yellow flowers hand-picked by Belgian farmers from Elton John's back garden, Bette Midler to sing "Wind Beneath my Wings" supported by the London Philharmonic Orchestra and 25 elves to carry her diamond-encrusted coffin … or … Cheggers is not looking for anything extravagant. "Just put me in a cardboard box and bury me in the ground" he said, because, as he sees it – "When you're dead, you're dead, it doesn't matter whether you did Cheggers Plays Pop or not" … or … Bubble from Big Brother's demands are simple "He just wants a plain granite headstone that reads – Here lies Bubble off Big Brother Series 2" … or … Adam Levine from rubbish pop band Maroon 5 amazed potential mourners by demanding 20 peeled and segmented oranges (with the pips removed), a case of Cristal champagne, a bag of Cadbury's Crème Eggs that weighs the exact same weight as his head, a change of pants and a lovely fluffy pillow. His agent added "Adam Levine from Maroon 5 knows that he won't be in a rubbish pop band when he's dead, and that he'll be completely insensate, however, he wants people to think that he's still important. Like Princess Di, who Adam Levine from Maroon 5 believes has gone from strength to strength following her sad passing".
From: Hilary Fortnum
To: Heat Magazine
Subject: They hope it's chips!
Dear Heat,
Me again!
What about a section called "What Celebrities put on their chips". A light-hearted piece examining what condiment Celebrities reach for when they bring back a large portion of chips and a lovely saveloy from the chippie.
If you don't know what a particular Celebrity has on their chips then just make it up. It doesn't really matter.
I'll start you off – I know for a fact that Jon Tickle from Big Brother 4 has mayonnaise.
PS – I like chip shop curry sauce
From: Hilary Fortnum
To: Heat Magazine
Subject: Art A-Scrap
Dear Heat magazine,
If I know tabloid magazine readers, and I know at least 8, then I know that they love a Celebrity feud. Whether it be Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole, or Paris Hilton and one of the other ones, nothing keeps the uneducated proles busy like two important Celebs going at it hammer and tongs.
I've got an idea for a new one. What about Tony Hart and Neil Buchanan going at it? Heat could do an article entitled "HART - Art Attack 'a crock of shit'". The next week, what about a double-page interview with Buchanan where he laments the fact that Hart was once an inspiration to him but now "he's bitter and twisted, and he's got an arse the size of Trafalgar Square, which is no surprise given that he talks out of it half the time". Followed by another blast from the old master "HART - Buchanan is a prick and he stinks of piss". With assorted quotes from Hart about Buchanan being a "scouse try-on" and "his big drawings that he does in fields are a waste of time and energy" with the final threat "if he comes down my way, he'll get a proper shoeing".
What do you reckon?
That's it for now. Let me know if you need any more ideas. I've got them coming out of my ears.
Yours exhaustedly,
Hilary
