When you are a man named Hilary you have to get used to gender confusion on the part of administration staff, telesales personnel and your son’s girlfriend (only once, it was before I met her and they’ve split up now). Even so, I still found a recent email, from a tattooist called Madam Butterfly, strange in its confusion. 

You may remember that I emailed a tattooist called Mad Malcolm about the idea of tattooing my penis as a Xmas gift for my wife Anne. Malcolm sent a perfectly sane response and advised that he doesn’t tattoo genitalia – and fair enough. There must be all sorts of hygiene and dignity risks. Madam Butterfly, however, was more than happy to tattoo away. I couldn’t help but become unnerved about the prospect of letting her loose on my old todger when she commenced her response as follows: “Dear Madam”. 

Now, let’s examine the evidence before Madam Butterfly. I have explained that I have been married to my wife for nearly 40 years. I absolutely accept that civil partnerships are now legal in the UK (and happily so), however, they have only been legal since 2007. Notwithstanding that I am asking whether her tattoo parlour could tattoo “across the length of my old chap” also referred to as my “phallus” and my “John Thomas”. I’m also concerned about “confusion in the gents changing rooms”. 

So, Madam Butterfly, are you communicating with a man or a woman? 

I give up.